Today, I review a hundred issues...sort of.

Sometimes, eBay delivers a second chance. In 2007, a company called Graphic Imaging Technology, Inc. had the license for Marvel Comics, and released six DVD-ROM's collecting 100-issue runs of Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, Avengers, Hulk, Ghost Rider, and today's selection, Uncanny X-Men.

I say second chance, since I remember seeing them in stores, but never bought one. I remember the price as being maybe fifteen bucks, but I'm not positive on that. The DVD-ROM's were one of those things I would see, mentally debate purchasing, but always put off: I had several of the issues in question, for one thing. Then one day they disappeared, possibly when Marvel took back their license, so they could sell the issues themselves at their Marvel Digital Comics Unlimited website. The GIT discs became either relics, or collector's items, depending: you can probably still get the Ghost Rider, FF, and maybe Hulk ones for a song. The others may cost you...

First up, GIT did a good job with the presentation: the menus are easy to use, and the issues are all scanned well. The issues are presented from cover to cover, including ads. The downside is...put bluntly, this run of issues isn't the best of Uncanny X-Men. It starts with #363 and runs to #474, plus four annuals.

#363 was from January 1999, written by Steve Seagle with art by Chris Bachalo...and was part three of the six-part storyline, "The Hunt for Xavier." Already we see a little problem with this collection: often, the X-Men books were interconnected. A story might start in the adjectiveless X-Men title, then alternate chapters with Uncanny. This DVD-ROM only gets two chapters of that particular six-parter, but that happens multiple times. I don't know if GIT is responsible for that error, or if they were only licensed for that stretch of books and did the best they could.

Putting aside the missing issues, what about the comics that are actually there? The first seventeen or so issues are from a strongly editorially-driven run of the book; and are entertaining if workmanlike. Alan Davis writes most of it, often with art by Adam Kubert. There's the X-Men's visit to Skrullworld right before Galactus eats it, Wolverine's "death" and transformation into a Horseman of Apocalypse, and the wrap-up of the eleven-year-old dangling plotline the Twelve. Then we get two chapters of the three-part High Evolutionary story, and then...Chris Claremont returns to the X-Men books.

Claremont took over on Uncanny X-Men #381, with Adam Kubert art, and a team consisting of Beast, Phoenix, Cable, Gambit, and Storm. But he would only stay on until #389, then Scott Lobdell would take a few before Joe Casey started his experimental, if not well-received run. (Casey discussed his Uncanny run recently, check it out.)

Then with #410, Chuck Austen took over, and would stay on the book until #443. Which means this DVD-ROM includes the seven-part Azazel storyline, "The Draco. Yay...if Casey's run wasn't "well-received," Austen's is somewhat reviled. Not entirely undeservedly.

Luckily, Claremont would return again with #444, and he brought Alan Davis with him. Yay! Davis seems to make everything better. This run isn't as...well, Claremonty as the second one; which makes it a bit more enjoyable. He would stay on until #473, but his last storyline would be wrapped up with Tony Bedard on script in #474, the last issue on the disc. (Ed Brubaker would take over on #475.)

Again, this 100-issue collection is by no means the best of Uncanny X-Men...but that pain is mitigated somewhat by the price. I paid about $27, which makes it about twenty-seven cents an issue. That forgives a lot of sins. You could read all those issues--and many, many, better ones--at Marvel Digital Comics Unlimited, but you would have to either subscribe for the month or the year, and you have to be online to access them. The DVD-ROM you can use whenever, and they are printable PDF's, so I suppose you could print off a copy of "The Draco" for someone in case they thought I was exaggerating about it. It may just come down to whether or not you can find a copy of the DVD-ROM on the cheap.

One more thing: in the Bullpen Bulletins in #363, in Stan's Soapbox, Stan Lee answers a question from me! There's your selling point right there!

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Azazel, part six! Our blog national nightmare is over!

Homestretch time! The last chapter of "The Draco" and I do believe Azazel's last appearance to date! Uncanny X-Men #434, "The Draco, conclusion." Written by Chuck Austen, pencils by Takeshi Miyazawa, inks by Craig Yeung with Scott Elmer. I don't know why Philip Tan dropped out at the last lap, but here we are.

Polaris has opened a hole to Azazel's prison dimension, that opens in the young mutant Abyss. Nightcrawler smirkingly teleports Abyss away from his "pops," leaving Azazel with Mystique suggesting which side of the family he gets lying from. I'm not sure how Kurt is able to teleport there, since they're in the dimension he teleports through. Nor is it ever really explained how Azazel controlled Kurt and the others at the beginning of this story but can't now.

After six more subplot pages of Juggernaut vs. Alpha Flight; Azazel finds the situation unraveling more, as Kiwi Black proved immune to Ginniyeh's telepathy and bugged out of there. Black attacks Angel's torturer, while Ginniyeh goes to kill the other captured X-Men, and kicks the hell out of them with her freaky and ill-defined powers, until Iceman sucks the moisture out of her and reforms.
While Kurt and Abyss try to find the other X-Men, Polaris sticks her head through the dimensional hole in Abyss, which may be the closest thing to sex he's going to get. She starts enlarging the hole, which is scaring the crap out of Abyss but not really hurting him, and starts wrecking up the place. Wolverine's arm comes loose, and he kills his captor. Iceman and most of the other X-Men get through the gateway (and Havok is dismayed to see Iceman get a kiss from nurse Annie for saving Carter) while Kurt, who has been pantsless for four issues or so, fights Azazel. For like two pages, with a quick "Join me" bit that Nightcrawler doesn't have time to make a Star Wars reference to, before the castle collapses...or something, and Azazel falls laughing to his 'death.'
Kurt and the rest get out, and life returns to normal. He now has a couple half-brothers, but I'm pretty sure Kiwi Black and Abyss haven't been seen since either. Kiwi stays silent until the last issue, and when he finally opens his mouth, his dialog sounds cribbed from a Fosters ad. Come to think of it, I have no idea how Abyss gets back to earth without getting turned inside out...Professor X asks Kurt if he's all right with losing his father; but Kurt says he hasn't: Professor X has been like his dad for years, and he's fine with that.

Just for artistic continuity, it would've been nice if Philip Tan had done this issue. Not that I cared for his art, but this isn't much better. But, that wraps up the saga of Azazel; although with him appearing in the X-Men: First Class movie some writer's bound to get the bright idea to use him for something. You've been warned.
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Azazel, week five! I take a "Draco" shaped bullet for you...

Another Thursday, another chapter of "The Draco," until my penance is complete. From Uncanny X-Men #433, "The Draco, part five." Written by Chuck Austen, art by Philip Tan. This issue returns to the Polaris subplot from part three, and nurse Annie realizes her son Carter is missing. (For the last three months worth of issues, which unintentionally makes Annie look like a terrible mom.) He stowed along with the X-Men that went looking for the missing Kurt, and is currently in Azazel's dungeon with Husk, Jubilee, Havok, and the severed head of Iceman. Currently psychic (Carter's powers seemed to come and go, and I'm not positive he actually was a mutant) Carter can hear Iceman complain he doesn't have enough moisture to reform his body. Oh, and Havok sucks for stealing two consecutive girlfriends from him. (Maybe not consecutive, but if you're still mad about something like that, chances are you don't get a lot of action.) Havok offers to help Iceman reconstitute himself, since he had a lot to drink on the flight there...and this is why Uncanny X-Men hasn't been Marvel's flagship title for the last ten years or so.

Meanwhile, in the other ongoing subplot, Alpha Flight fights Juggernaut; which is made rather confusing since Northstar arrived with Juggernaut and is on his side; while Sasquatch is wearing a big, dumb-looking suit of armor with a helmet like Juggernaut's. I had considered going back through and counting how many pages total in "The Draco" actually are "The Draco," and how many are the Juggernaut or Polaris subplots; but I'll be damned if I'm going back through these now...

Back at my dinner with Azazel, Angel is pissed over the archeology professor's death--I'm not sure he had a name, though--and Jillian keeps hitting on Kurt, which is inappropriate considering the situation and that they are almost certainly related. (Doesn't matter, since I don't think we see her again after this scene.) Talking through it, Kurt realizes if Azazel is 'Satan,' it's not really in the biblical sense, but Azazel is a mutant from biblical times.

Azazel says yes, explaining that he was 'cast out' by 'angels,' another group of mutants. He asks our Angel what he knows of his lineage, and Angel clams up, so Azazel gives him to one of his men for torture. Logan is stabbed through the back and pinned, and Azazel helpfully suggests removing his arms at the shoulder joint and then cauterizing the stumps. But, Azazel points out, Logan may be the only toy they get for "the next twenty or more years."

Later, Kiwi Black, Abyss, and Kurt have an almost friendly expository chat with Azazel; rather out of place considering Kurt's friends are probably being tortured right then. Kiwi, who has been the stolic, silent warrior-type so far here; had failed in guarding the dimensional gateway. Although, Kiwi doesn't act like that was his idea either; so Azazel refers him to torture too. Now with two sons left, Azazel explains how the X-Men destroyed the dimensional gateway--somehow, since I don't seem to recall them really doing anything this whole story--and this dimension is the same one that Kurt teleports through and Abyss sucks stuff into. That doesn't really track, either, since we saw Abyss spit Mystique out two chapters back, she wasn't already there. Azazel can see our world, but can't get back, until he breeds another batch of teleporters to poke a hole through as a group.

Meanwhile, Professor X, Polaris, and nurse Annie arrive on the Isla des Demonas. The Professor can't sense them, but Polaris can feel a "spatial rip" and pokes it with her magnetic powers so they can see Azazel and Kurt's conversation. Azazel explains that Kurt's stepmom Margali opened the portal once, and that he totally hit that, but alone none of them can get through without some help from the earth side. Which Polaris is doing, opening a hole in Abyss...to be concluded!

I'm pretty sure this is the issue that broke the suspension of disbelief for Paul O'Brien of the X-Axis into a million pieces: if Azazel was able to get through before, how did he end up back? And he was able to get back to earth to father a batch of kids, so why can't he get back now? Azazel mentions seeing satellite photos of earth; but how? (That could possibly be justified by him looking through at earth, but if he can see earth at will to that detail, he should be able to figure something out.) It could be lampshaded that Azazel needs a bunch of teleporter kids to open a big enough hole to get his whole army through, but it looked like he had an army there for the first fight, and he's still acting like he can't get through. Where did Azazel's army go, anyway?

This issue sucks. The art sucks, the story sucks, the ongoing storyline sucks, the subplots suck, and the characterization sucks. Suuuuuuuuuuuuck. Worst of all, Austen and Tan were both capable of better work; they just needed an editor to crack them on the knuckles and make them do it again. There might have been a germ of a good idea in there at some point, but the execution just failed. One more to go, then I'm going to deny this storyline ever existed, a point Marvel Comics and I seem to agree upon...so far.

Oh, and Azazel in X-Men: First Class, the movie? I'd bet he's there for a few minutes of teleportation action, like Nightcrawler's kickass opener in X2, and that's that. Just a guess.

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Azazel, week four! The things I do for you people...

This counts as a birthday and a Christmas present: Uncanny X-Men #432, "The Draco, part four." Written by Chuck Austen, art by Philip Tan. The narration spills the beans on where the X-Men are, as you've probably guessed: Azazel's dimension. He's been trying to use his words to rein in his men, without a lot of success, as they continue fighting the X-Men. With the exception of Jillian, who appears to be hitting on the still-pantsless Nightcrawler. Azazel finally has to use a big lightning-special-effect to stop the brawl; but says the portal to earth is closed and he's tired, so how's about dinner later? He 'invites' Kiwi Black, Abyss, and some people we actually recognize:

Azazel suggests throwing the rest in "the tombs," or whatever. Then, six pages of Juggernaut and Northstar showing up to visit fishboy Sammy Pare, and realizing he's being abused. The mom frantically scrambles to find a beeper that I think is supposed to look like a maple leaf but looks like the Image Comics 'i' wearing a headdress.

At dinner, Azazel wants to speak to the team's leader, and Kurt says something wishy-washy about "Can't we all just be equals?" Angel instead cuts to the chase and asks who Azazel thinks he is, and he straight-up tells them:

Azazel cops to being the daddy for Kiwi Black, Abyss, and several others. He explains that his telepath Ginniyeh prevents lies in her presence, and goes on to explain that he saved Kurt after Mystique threw him off a waterfall as a baby, and gave him to "an old friend." Kurt is appalled that Margali knows Azazel and lied about how she found him. Still, Kurt should know his stepmom is a little sketchier than he had believed; as she was up to some shady business in Excalibur and some stories Austen wrote.

Angel tries to bring the conversation back to who Azazel is, and this time, Azazel says Satan. The archeology professor calls bull, and is killed for his trouble. Azazel advises against anyone else calling him a liar at his own dinner table; which admittedly does seem fair.

Meanwhile, Alpha Flight shows up to protect a child abuser, in case you thought Bendis killing them off off-panel was the worst thing to ever happen to them. Actually, if they weren't in Canada and Northstar didn't call them that, you wouldn't recognize them as Alpha Flight at all, since there's only three of them, they didn't bring Puck, and they're wearing terrible battle armor. Even Sasquatch.

Whatever Azazel did in the two-page spread of him shooting lightning, he is never seen doing again. Nor is it explained how he was holding the portal open, or why he and his crew (most of whom I'm not going to bother typing the names of) weren't waiting and ready when it opened. I had thought "the Draco," if that is the group name of Azazel's crew, were mostly his children; but some may merely be other mutants, possibly also from biblical times. I get that feeling since Azazel talks to some of them like they were drinking buddies, not family; and the whole lot seem rather undisciplined.

Almost there...next chapter next week!

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Azazel, week three! Maybe he appears this issue...

Sigh. I was watching the Losers while I wrote these posts, and now it's over...and I still have four issues to go. You know, I often regret my decision to avoid swearing on my blog, because this seems like the time for it. We're up to "The Draco, part three" from Uncanny X-Men #431, written by Chuck Austen, art Philip Tan.

After a traumatizing little flashback with Polaris--she found out Magneto was her father, and went to Genosha to confront him just in time to arrive when the island was destroyed, as seen in New X-Men--the X-Men find themselves somewhere else. Warren has Iceman's head, but thinks Bobby's dead, even though he's still blinking and trying to talk. Nightcrawler is himself again, although the faceless nobodies he was linked to in the teleport circle thing are dead. (Or, at least most of them.) In fact, wasn't there an army of demony-types last time? Well, they're gone and won't come up again, so leave it.

Angel offers to cut Kurt free, as the other mutant's hand has melted to Kurt's. (Why the Angel has a sword...again, I'm not going to dwell on it.)

And Azazel finally appears! He admits he should've anticipated that the X-Men might have seen and followed Kurt, but doesn't appear especially worried about it. One of his crew calls Angel a "Cheyarafim," but Azazel corrects him, Angel is too young to be whatever that is. Angel offers to use his healing blood on Kurt's hands, because at the time, that's what Warren's blood did; but it burns Kurt. Jillian, a female Nightcrawler-type with wings, screams "Death to all angels!" and it's on...after nine more pages of subplots with Sammy Pare, Juggernaut, and Polaris.

As fighty-time ensues, Azazel tries to regain control of his crew; and Jubilee asks Abyss, the noseless blue kid from the first chapter of this, what, if anything, he can do. Abyss says he can open up holes that suck stuff in. Where does it go? He admits he doesn't know, he never got anything back. He tries it, but starts spitting stuff back out, like his neighbor's dog (alive? Hard to tell.) and Mystique. (Obviously alive, despite being trapped in whatever for however long without food or water, because everyone loves Mystique.) To...be...continued.

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Azazel, week two! Maybe we find out why this arc is called "the Draco."

Continuing our proof there is no God--I mean, our look at Azazel, in "The Draco"! Uncanny X-Men #430, "The Draco, part two." Written by Chuck Austen, art by Philip Tan.

Aaaaaand, this is gonna be a quick one, since the subplots take up the bulk of this issue, and I don't care. Mutant fishboy Sammy had become friends with Juggernaut and nurse Annie's son Carter, but was pulled from the Xavier Institute by his parents. Mostly so his dad could beat on him for being a mutant, perhaps not realizing his son's new friends...who I think were mentioned to him. So, the dad actually knows Sammy is tight with Juggernaut, yet still gives him the hassle, which is a firm commitment to his racism.

'Xorn' makes an appearance, showing up to help work on Polaris's mind (which I don't think he does, he makes snippy comments and leaves) and accuse Annie of anti-mutant racism. Carter, who has psychic powers now, stowed away with the X-Men and watches the team try to pull Kurt out. It doesn't go well.

Apparently, there's an army of demony-types, while Kurt and the other teleporters are locked in a circle. Iceman is hit with an exploding arrow and blows up. Husk can't break Kurt's grip and is hit from behind, and Angel freaks out a bit, since he'd been sleeping with the much younger Paige Guthrie. In a flash of light, they all disappear, leaving a huge hole. To be continued...? Only because I'm writing these all at once.

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Azazel, week one!

To begin: damn you for making me do this. But my post on Azazel and the prologue to 'the Draco' is still getting hits; apparently out of sick curiosity over his upcoming appearance in the X-Men: First Class movie. So, we're going to blog each issue of Azazel's first and so far only storyline, hitting an issue every Thursday.

I was pretty sure Paul O'Brien of the X-Axis did a solid crucifixion of this run already; but, um, here we'll have scans! Yay! Oh, let's just do this damn thing. From Uncanny X-Men #429, "The Draco, part 1 of 6: Sins of the Father" Written by Chuck Austen, art by Philip Tan.


The story opens with Nightcrawler stealing an X-Jet, under the control of some outside influence. Wolverine, drinking beer on the roof, sees him go, and it's implied later if he hadn't, no one would've noticed Kurt and a jet were gone until somebody went down to the hangar, presumably needing to go somewhere. Wolvie asks Professor X if he sent Kurt on a mission: he did not. Meanwhile, Iceman has possibly been living in the kitchen's walk-in freezer, since his secondary mutation is apparently turning his body into ice...which I thought had happened already.

The Professor had been tracking another mutant, Abyss (who had been used as a weapon by Mystique, apparently) and had noted several mutant trails heading for the same point, but with broken lines: teleporters. Their trail leads to Isla des Demonas, which is such a made up name it makes Monster Island seem authentic; Alex (the recently returned Havok) points out his old archeology professor had a dig there and he, Lorna and Kurt had just been there weeks ago.


Off the coast of Florida, Kurt picks up a noseless blue mutant kid, the aforementioned Abyss, also under outside control. Meanwhile, Alex says goodbye to his girlfriend--not Lorna "Polaris" Dane, who was currently his psycho ex and acting legitimately crazy, but nurse Annie. Like a lot of stuff in Austen's run, this would be retconned to death later. There's also a few pages of subplot with Juggernaut and the Professor working out their abusive father issues, before we get back to the X-Men on the Isla des Demonas in the Caribbean. There, they find Kurt and a bunch of weird, demony-types having a bonfire, when these guys show up:

Out of the fire, apparently.

God, this hurt. Chapter two next week!
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Azazel? Seriously? What...the...hell?

I've seen this more than once now, but I don't know if other sources are picking it up from Bleeding Cool: actor Jason Flemyng is cast as Azazel in the X-Men: First Class movie. What...really?

Maybe someone can explain this to me, but I know some studios, like Sony for Spider-Man or Fox for the X-Men, still have movie rights despite Disney's purchase of Marvel Comics. They had them first, and I believe if they don't use them, the rights will revert to Disney/Marvel. That's why there's a bit of a rush job coming on say, Ghost Rider 2, for example.

Everything I've heard about the upcoming X-Men: First Class sounds like a bit of a disaster, though: it seems more like a reboot but still seems to be called a prequel, even though there are a ton of characters in it that were used differently in the other X-Men movies. And there are a ton of characters in it (check the wikipedia, I'm not typing all that) that weren't in the original five-man band: I would've thought it would be easy enough to get a movie's worth of material out of Cyclops, Jean Grey, Angel, Beast, Iceman, Professor X, and Magneto; without bringing in Darwin, Banshee, Havok and a seeming cast of thousands. I mean, Kevin Bacon's in there somewhere? Why?

So, I've been wondering...the rights to these characters is going to revert to Disney/Marvel at some point, aren't they? If so...would it behoove Sony or Fox or whoever to pursue a scorched earth policy? Eventually, Spider-Man/the X-Men/whatever character they lose the rights to, is going to be competition to those studios and whatever their current franchise schedule movies will be. For example: Fox makes an awesome X-Men: First Class. It and however many sequels they can crank out are huge hits, and then the rights go back to Marvel. The next summer, Fox puts out Movie Y, and gets crushed by Marvel's new X-Men flick.

But, what if Fox decides to burn that bridge? Make an utter tripe X-Men film, kill the franchise stone dead for a few years or more? What's stopping them? Even if they sink a bit of capital into making and marketing a bad movie, they could probably still recover a bit, while taking out some future competition. There are doubtless a bazillion things wrong with my theory...but still, it's a niggling doubt.

(This is going under the "vile speculation" tag, since that's how I think it works. Maybe if Fox keeps making X-Men movies, they get to keep the rights? I don't think that's the case, still pretty sure Marvel/Disney gets everyone back at some point.)

Back to Azazel, who I still think may be a red herring for X-Men: First Class. Or someone told them they needed more action figure ready characters; because there's little other reason to use him. He sure as hell ain't a fan-favorite or anything...

For those of you who aren't familiar with the character, or have blocked the memory out: Azazel was introduced as Nightcrawler's father in Chuck Austen's storyline, "The Draco." He first appears in a flashback in Uncanny X-Men #426, set twenty years ago...which would make Nightcrawler still a teenager, so he's aging backwards at about the same rate as Kitty Pryde.

The woman that would eventually be known as Mystique is living a good life, as the wife of a German baron. (There is virtually no technology to be seen in this issue; which doesn't date it as much as make it seem impossibly rustic.) Everything would be perfect for Raven, except for one thing: she can't get pregnant. And not for lack of trying; with her husband, with in vitro, with strangers she changes form to seduce.

Then she meets Azazel, in a human form. Devilishly handsome, they hit it off quickly, and it's implied that he gives Raven her nom de plume of Mystique. He praises her as magnificent, far beyond anything as petty as merely human, and in short order gets her to reveal her true form, before seducing her in a church.

Raven is both smitten and knocked up soon thereafter; but Azazel then rebuffs her, telling her to go back to her husband and raise his son as the Baron's. The Baron, however, is understandably dubious about his wife getting pregnant so suddenly after Azazel's arrival and sudden departure. He proposes a paternity test, and Raven answers by stabbing him to death and ditching the body.

Now completely alone, Raven gives birth, to a blue baby boy. Which would normally be a bad sign, but Kurt was obviously a mutant from birth. That's disturbing the delivery team enough, before Raven reverts to her usual blue form, and gets denounced as a demoness. Forced to flee her formerly "perfect" life, Raven curses Azazel for not loving her, for leaving her with "nothing of any value whatsoever," and she drops baby Kurt over a waterfall. (A "BAMF!" is seen, presumably Azazel saving Kurt.)
This was actually a fairly decent start of the storyline--Austen is virtually reviled now, and the rest of "The Draco" would bear that out. There's Nightcrawler's half-siblings Abyss and Kiwi Black, among others; there's Angel's healing blood that burns Azazel's spawn; there's Azazel trapped in some pocket dimension that he can occasionally get out of for booty calls...yeah, it gets terrible pretty quickly, and has been all but swept under the rug. And for some reason, despite no one wanting to bring it up, there's some question on whether Azazel is an early mutant, like Apocalypse; or an actual bona-fide demon of some sort.

Well, this post has gotten out of hand; so today's scans? From Uncanny X-Men #428, "How Did I Get Here?" (The title and title page seem very Claremont.) Written by Chuck Austen, pencils by Sean Phillips, colors by Dave McCaig. Sean Phillips carries this one a bit further than the later issues, with Philip Tan art. And tomorrow? A helluva shorter post...

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