This book is full of swears, this post was almost full of them too.

So the other day (about 30 seconds ago, as I type this) I mentioned I'm still goddamned pissed at Warren Ellis. I don't know if there's anything he could possibly do to make amends to the people he hurt, but I also know he's halfassed even trying. He's gotten work again in recent years--I have some copies of the Batman's Grave that I've fished from quarter bins but haven't been able to bring myself to read yet. I also still hate that he wrecked Transmetropolitan for me; since I think "I Hate It Here" every day. ("Journalism is just a gun," but most outlets nowadays seem to be putting it in their own mouths.) But, I pulled this one out of a dollar bin the other day: from 2010, Vertigo Resurrected #1, featuring "Shoot" Written by Warren Ellis, pencils by Phil Jimenez, inks by Andy Lanning.

This was the infamous school-shooting issue of Hellblazer, that was pulled in 1999 after the Columbine shootings: it would have been Hellblazer #141. Ellis would leave the title early, at #143; but I'm pretty sure he took his unused plots and folded them into Strange Kisses at Avatar, where he would do a couple limited series and an ongoing featuring "combat magician" William Gravel; who, to be blunt, is a less conflicted, less pretty, Constantine with guns. (I don't fault Ellis for this, honestly: there's some book on the shelves right now that I swear is G.I. Robot with the serial numbers filed off...)

Son of a...just opening to the second page, and it refers to a school shooting in Spokane, where I currently live! Obviously I haven't read this recently. A parent drops their son off at school, taping it for their birthday, thus catching another student shooting him without warning, then killing himself. Psychiatrist Penny Carnes is investigating school shootings for the government; between that and listening to tapes from Jonestown I'm worried for her two pages in. She notices something on the tape, though; a face that appears at several other shootings: John Constantine. She tries to get a file on him, and while she gets the name, the file is restricted. But, when she returns to her office for her tape recorder (1999!) John's there, for a meeting. He'd started investigating the shootings himself, at a friend's request, after his son had been killed. John asks Penny if she's getting anywhere, and he knows damn well she isn't. He knows everyone's looking for a reason, something to blame, like video games or violent movies or rap music or food coloring, something; but John thinks those kids are already so broken by the world all they can do is sit there and wait for the bullet. He replays a tape with a kid with a gun in his face and tells Penny to look closely: she sees the kid mouth "shoot." 

Since I try not to swear on the blog, I had to edit my original response; but that was nihilistic, try-hard edgy crap. Few people think clearly with a gun in their face, but even in America today I think most kids want to live. I don't remember thinking real deeply about this one before, but I don't think I hated it the way I do now. Getting old. And while I knew this wasn't going to have a fix, Constantine wasn't going to find that the shootings were caused by Neron or some nonsense, it's crap that he gets a tirade about the futility of looking for something to blame, before giving another something to blame.  

Also this issue: a ton of shorts from Vertigo limited series like Strange Adventures, Heartthrobs, Weird War Tales, and Flinch. (OK, Flinch wasn't a limited, but even so.) The selections bring a laundry list of big names for the cover, but in keeping with the theme most of them aren't the cheeriest stories. (Scan from "The Kapas" by Brian Bolland.)

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Having fun in unfun times:

Not even specifically at a wake, but that's what we have today: from 2007, Punisher War Journal #4, "Small Wake for a Tall Man" Written by Matt Fraction, art by Mike Deodato.

I had to go back through the blog, and I've read other stuff from Fraction I've liked better; even other issues of this series. But, I maybe see what he was trying to do here, and I might be hindered by continuity; which was kind of only a suggestion at Marvel at the time, even if Fraction maybe uses some correctly here. At a crummy, smelly bar in New York City, it's the wake for Wilbur Day, a.k.a. Stilt-Man. I want to say I feel like I've seen him die like three times already, but I mainly remember in Bendis's Daredevil, Wilbur (or some other Stilt-Man?) angrily giving Matt Murdock his stilt-suit when Matt was outed as DD. Armadillo and the Masked Marauder are the first to show--I know I've seen the Maruader kick the bucket before--and there's a Doombot in attendance, set up to impress Wilbur's widow.

More villains show up, as well as some I wouldn't label as such: Prowler, Will o'the Wisp, the Gibbon, Dragon Man. Dragon Man's a big, angry robot; why would you bring him to this? In a crowd shot, we see guys like the Absorbing Man, the Answer, Puma, and Ringer; pretty sure at least two of them had been dead for a stretch too. Also, older magic-guy Xandu from Marvel Team-Up #21/Marvel Treasury Edition #22 is there! That's one of the first Marvel comics I can remember reading; and there's not much logical reason for him to be there aside from crowd-filler. 

The "Widow Day" makes a striking entrance: it's Princess Python! She hisses with a forked tongue, when the Cat Burglar tries to lay down his game at her; that was new. The Prowler explains why he was there: when he had been just a window-washer, Stilt-Man nearly killed him trying to get away from Daredevil. DD saved him, but being pissed at Stilt-Man still inspired Prowler to put his own gadgets to work and costume up, briefly as a villain. Everyone's drinking and remembering better times, when super fights were just shenanigans; at least until the Rhino picks a fight with Armadillo and the bar goes nuts. It's mostly fun and games, no one really getting hurt.

The fight stops dead when Spider-Man arrives, with a stern "at his wake, guys?" He also scolds Prowler out of there, while Princess Python throws up at him. This was post-Civil War, for the like 20 minutes that his identity was known, so she drunkenly calls him "Peedershpidermun." Spidey tells everyone, be careful: "The world's not...it's not so fun anymore, you know?"

The Eel calls Spidey a class act, but is shouted down by the Masked Marauder, who can't believe a bar full of villains just let him lecture them and then go. They could be great again, he argues: they just have to want it. Which is about when people start puking. Not because they couldn't hold their liquor, but because they'd been poisoned, and the Marauder sees a cocktail napkin with a Punisher-skull on it, before things start exploding. The Marauder may have been the narrator for part of the story, but it switches back to Frank in the end: "I don't know about you, but I celebrate loss every day. But some days I get to celebrate it with fireworks."

...how often do we see Frank poison anybody? I know he's a "work smarter" kind of guy, and going against villains with powers would need an edge, but still. And there's a bunch of guys there, that maybe don't deserve to be murdered? Although I'm sure Frank would say, "lay down with dogs..." I have a soft-spot for Princess Python, from her disasterous stint in the Serpent Society: she quickly realized, she was equipped for theft and light-to-medium grifting, not fighting things like MODOK. Gibbon is a sad sack in a funny gorilla suit, who seemingly dies tragically every other appearance: he just wanted attention. Puma and Armadillo get roped into a lot of nonsense, but I don't think either was a bad guy. This felt a lot like some late 80's Flash comics, where Barry's old Rogues' Gallery was portrayed as wacky crooks with a competitive streak, not murdering monsters: of course, most of them were transitioned into murdering monsters eventually.

Also, the back cover of this one is a Nissan ad, suggesting "You could pretty much live in it," which, um. Not aged well. 

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"Dings."

About the only thing that maybe--maybe--might make the Ch'od figure better; is if he also had like a Cr'reee to go left. He sits on Ch'od right shoulder great, but not as well on the left.

I'm not sure how much news AoA Kurt has watched, but honestly any amount would probably do it. 

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Backfill, in the mighty Marvel manner!

I've mentioned this before, and it's probably a pre-Crisis reader's problem; but every time there's a storyline where the timeline is altered, I think something like "...and in the new timeline, earth was destroyed in 1973, when Captain Man wasn't there to stop Hateface in Tales to Admonish #413." This probably dates back to the Challenge of the Super-Friends episode "Secret Origins of the Super-Friends," where the Legion of Doom travels back in time to throw various wrenches in the origins of Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and Superman: in the altered present, a "Superman Day" parade becomes a "Hawkman Day," and I swear there's no timeline where he's ever looked happier.

But, hadn't Superman saved earth from asteroids and meteors and such, like dozens of times? Hawkman wouldn't have been set up for that, and earth would've been pulverized at some point. Take out the wrong load-bearing piece, and the whole thing'll collapse before you even get to a new present time. Let's see if that happens here!

From 1995, X-Men Chronicles #1, "Origins" Written by Howard Mackie, pencils by Terry Dodson, inks by Klaus Janson.

This is maybe what X-Men #1 would have been, in the Age of Apocalypse. Instead of being Jean Grey's introduction to Xavier's school, this was Mystique dropping Rogue off at Magneto's training base at scenic Wundagore Mountain. Magneto worked his mutant students hard, with a "Killing Zone" simulator instead of a Danger Room; but also waded in there with them: he was a bit more 'lead from the front' than Xavier. Feeling the students were perhaps a bit sheltered, he introduces them to some new dangers, with new member Weapon X, Logan.

Meanwhile, instead of Magneto attacking an air force base, in this timeline the Heralds of Apocalyspe attack it: Gideon, Candra, War, Death, and Sabretooth. Magneto leads the X-Men into battle, leaving his daughter Wanda in charge; neither realizing that Nemesis was approaching. As they leap from their damaged aircraft, Magneto wonders if they're ready: his X-Men seem gung-ho, but unaware of the stakes.

Back at Wundagore, Rogue and Wanda defend the younger mutants from Nemesis: Rogue had absorbed, perhaps permanently, the powers of Polaris, so she was able to fly. And at the air force base, Sabretooth is horrified that Apocalypse actually intended to use nuclear weapons, and Apocalypse orders the others to attack him. (With little prompting: Sabretooth was not particularly likable.) He's contained in a telekinetic bubble by Candra when the X-Men arrive, and manages to talk his way back onto the team: maybe he still dies, maybe he proves himself to Apocalypse. Sabretooth gives some strategy to the others, then throws down with Weapon X. While the other Heralds are defeated, Sabretooth is disabled with a severed spine. Somewhat surprisingly, Apocalypse orders his Heralds, save Sabretooth, back to him; I thought he would leave them to sink-or-swim. Apocalypse's Ship was going to open fire, but Magneto stops it, yet can't keep Apocalypse from leaving.

And at Wundagore, while she managed to save the others (and I'm pretty sure Nemesis was messed up but would live) Wanda was mortally wounded. She tells Rogue, that her father would need a friend, and Rogue promises to be there for him. Wanda probably didn't intend that to mean "please hook up with my dad," but sure. Also, we only see Quicksilver briefly after Wanda dies, but already he seems to have a less-weird relationship with her than in our world. 

I had thought this was a late addition-slash-cash grab, after Age of Apocalypse turned out to be a huge success, but these two issues of X-Men Chronicles replaced the usual quarterly X-Men Unlimited, so maybe they were always part of the game plan. There was another title, X-Universe, that followed some of the usual Marvels through the AoA, where I think they were by-and-large chewed up and spit out; and I also wonder if that was always planned or a later add.

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I swear I could hear "How Soon is Now" while reading this one.

I was momentarily really excited, because I never find these in my local quarter/dollar bins, and I thought this was the last issue of the series. It's not, but it's still a heck of an issue! From 1987, Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham #15, "To Oink or Not To Oink, or The Days of Swine and Roses" Written by Steve Mellor, pencils by Joe Albelo, inks by Pierre Fournier.

At the Daily Beagle, while J.Jonah Jackal puts his latest scheme into motion; Peter Porker works up the nerve to ask Batty Brant on a date. He is immediately shot down, but takes it calmly and maturely. Oh, that's a damn lie, you know he spirals into depression immediately: all that power, idol of millions, but can't get a date? But, since being Spider-Ham was probably the core of his problems, and because Peter was probably going to need a minute, we get Spider-Ham's origin! Which, honestly, I had heard before but thought was a joke: Peter had originally been a mere spider, albeit one with Peter Parker's hair, glasses, and fashion sense. May Porker had been working on an atomic hair dryer, that goes awry, and while irradiated she bites Peter, changing him from a spider, to a full grown pig! With spider-powers, as he discovers after wandering outside, nearly getting hit by a car, and climbing a wall and crushing a steel pipe. (That seems familiar somehow.)

Returning to check on May, she awakens and assumes Peter was his nephew: Peter was afraid if he told her the truth, the shock might be too much for her. Having gained May's scientific acumen, Peter builds web-shooters, to compensate for losing that ability, and makes a costume to fight crime.

Back in the present, Peter gets the usual hassle from his old bully, Flash Tomcat. Who's an idiot, but has a nice car and a hot girlfriend, which puts him two up on Peter; prompting him to quit being Spider-Ham. He then reports to Jonah at the Junior Newsboys Clubhouse, where Jonah and his interns are kitted out as superheroes, as part of an investigative piece. This is almost immediately sidetracked when they run into Andy Warthog and Mick Jaguar and get invited to a party with "all the beautiful animals." Cue some Warhol jokes and punny celebrity-animal names, then the Hobgobbler crashes the party, kidnapping Barbara Mandrill! With Jonah and the interns tuckered out from the party scene, it's up to Peter, who takes about two panels to get back into action: nobody else could do what he does, it had to be him. Spider-Ham saves Barbara, then Peter has to drive Jonah and everyone home.

Finally returning home himself, an exhausted Peter can't get out of Aunt May wanting to introduce him to someone...Mary Jane Waterbuffalo! Things are maybe looking up for Peter...if he could stay awake.

Man, I miss that art style for Spider-Ham. Also this issue: "The Mighty Scavengers" by Mike and Steve Mellor. And, still another USPS Statement of Ownership. Average number of copies sold during preceding 12 months (total paid circulation): 62,795. Actual number sold for issue nearest filing date (total paid circulation): 55,125. I think the GCD references the total print run, rather than just sold; but these might not have been good-enough numbers for 80's Marvel, since Peter Porker would be cancelled with #17. Read more!

A coverless Zone? But those are the best part!

But, this is an older one, so we won't look a gift horse in the mouth. From 1964, the Twilight Zone #6, cover by George Wilson if you find it! This was cover-dated February, but hit the stands November 7, 1963; while the original series was still on the air, just a day before the first airing of "The Old Man in the Cave."

The opening story is closer to "King Nine Will Not Return", though: "Captives of the Mirage," written by Dick Wood, pencils by George Tuska, inks by Don Heck. (Probably. There weren't credits, so this is researchers' best guess.) In WWII, a B-17 crash lands in the desert: as the plane goes down, the pilot Oakie seems to have a trance, where he senses a safe landing spot, possibly courtesy of the "Amulet of Arkan" he picked up in Cairo. Still, the bomber crew lost most of their water in the crash. With the amulet pointing north, they follow it, until at the very end of endurance, they find a desert town...complete with force field? Oakie manages to push through it, and he and his men are saved, feted with a feast and a gorgeous dancing girl, who warns him to "beware the mighty one." The head villager gets weirdly grabby with Oakie's amulet, but also seems to strongly resemble the figure on it. Sure enough, that's Arkan himself, and he had saved some Nazis for his muscle; but Oakie is able to use the amulet's magic powers against them. When he starts to go overboard, his co-pilot has to pop him one to snap him out of it.

Oakie gets his crew ready to leave, with the Nazis as prisoner, and taking the girl with him; but before they leave a dying beggar asks him to take a message. Oakie thinks the amulet would save him, but the beggar would have to wear it for a minute; and it's Arkan under a mask! Arkan had been trapped in the mirage for centuries for his crimes, and now could leave, with Oakie and his crew trapped. It goes great, up until Arkan ages centuries in an instant, and dies trying to push his way back into the mirage. Oakie and all are then able to leave, and he tosses the amulet back to the girl, since she couldn't come with him.

"The Night People of London" is a short detective story: on a foggy London night, a robber is foiled by a passerby, who seems to navigate the fog effortlessly. I'm not sure this one is based on historical fact, but it might be. (Written by Dick Wood, pencils by Mike Sekowsky, inks by Mike Peppe.)

The last story, "The Last Sixty Seconds" features not one, but three ventriloquist dummies, predating "Caesar and Me" by months! A ventriloquist is driven to suicide by his dummies, for the crimes of trying to marry into money, and killing a caretaker in a jewel robbery. As he sinks into the Seine, though, he realizes his puppet's breath had fogged the mirror while yelling at him: a rival act with a midget had plotted against him. But, did he figure it out too late, or will he still be able to avenge himself? (Written by Dick Wood, pencils by Mike Sekowsky, inks by Mike Peppe.) Read more!

Over the years, I've mentioned Walt Simonson's run on Thor a number of times, usually to the effect that it's the coolest and you should be reading it now, even if you already have. This ties into his run, and has Walt as a consultant, so that's something, right? Right? Let's see! From 1987, Mephisto Vs. #4, "His Satanic Majesty's Request" Written by Al Milgrom, pencils by John Buscema, inks by Bob Wiacek.

We looked at Mephisto Vs. (X-Factor) #2 last year, and I think I just got #3 from a dollar bin recently...is it handy right now? Don't be silly! I also probably read these back when they first came out, but I read a friend's and maybe didn't have my own for some time. This issue, Mephisto has a nice set of mutants new added to Hell: Storm, Psylocke, Dazzler, and Rogue. The first three fade out, returning to earth: Mephisto had tricked Rogue into stealing their essences, but could only keep them as long as Rogue's powers could. Mephisto had actually brought her physically to Hell; which he usually wouldn't, and he has to caution his staff to be careful with her. A minor demon turns on Mephisto, and when the first one doesn't burst into flames immediately, others follow. Rogue wonders if Mephisto was as all-powerful as he seemed before, when the Living Tribunal shows up, who also seems to wonder if Mephisto was weakening: he was up to something, and accuses Hela of being behind his problems. She had stolen some souls, which Thor had later freed. 

This tied into Thor #380: under Hela's curse, Thor was unkillable, but his bones were brittle as graham crackers--I've used that line before discussing that curse; I don't know if that comparison was in the material somewhere, or if graham crackers are more fragile than other kinds of crackers? Thor had fought, and seemingly slain, the Midgard Serpent; and survived...sort of, having shattered every bone in his body. Mephisto takes Rogue with him, to offer Thor the sweet release of death, in exchange for his soul...Meanwhile, outside of the ring of fire Mephisto put up to keep out looky-lous, two Quinjets full of Avengers have arrived, east and west coast teams. Iron Man and She-Hulk aren't able to penetrate the wall of flames; nor is Captain Marvel.

Hela arrives, to yell at Mephisto for interfering in a private feud: Thor pipes up, he won't go with either, he'll just sit there and suffer if he has to. Mephisto compels Rogue to give Thor a final kiss, but instead of absorbing his powers, she seemingly releases his spirit, which is his old-school look. Done with her, Mephisto returns Rogue to the X-Men, after he's bagged Thor's spirit in "mystic mylar." Hela opens a hole in the wall of fire, letting the Avengers in as a distraction, then steals Thor away to "a distant dimension where I can free him from your encumberance undisturbed!" That is a sentence all right. Iron Man calls out Mephisto, who's busy concentrating on where Hela might have gone, and Cap checks if Thor is maybe okay...no. No, he is not. While those injuries weren't at Mephisto's hands, he doesn't correct the Avengers, letting them believe he had that kind of power. Still, he was fighting on two fronts: while most of the Avengers weren't a problem, he was still distracted trying to find Hela.

The Avengers don't exhibit a lot of teamwork (or Mephisto just no-sales their powers) and get crushed and knocked out; while Mephisto finds Hela and retakes Thor's soul, down to Hell. Thor still seems to have Mjolnir, and resists the lesser demons, so Mephisto tries to lure him in with battles and dames. Thor resists, and Mephisto doubts he will ever break: he asks Hela if she will claim her prize now, but she wasn't done watching him suffer, and Mephisto returns Thor's soul to his broken body...but under his breath wonders if she wasn't going to regret "winning" there. (And he's right!) Hela wipes the memories of the assembled Avengers, who return to their respective bases, with mystic member Dr. Druid announcing he would investigate "the source of our confusion." Yeah, I'm sure he got right on that.

Mephisto returns to Hell, seemingly empty-handed, inspiring the lesser demons to rise up against him, which lasts about a panel before they're reduced to a literal puddle. Mephisto has another conversation with the Living Tribunal: this was all according to plan. He knew Thor would resist him, and in doing so gain the strength to resist Hela, keeping that piece off the board. He ends the series with a good laugh over the trouble he had caused, and how "truly evil is its own reward." Aside from the reader, his only confidente appears to be a green snake-thing; so that's open to debate.

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